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Grandpa: No one I know ever did porn. That's what my imagination is for.
Dad: Top 10 disturbing things I have ever heard in my life....
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Dad: Why don't you just make pancakes? That's simple enough.
Son: Hey, Iron Chef, get the fuck out of the kitchen. You can't even microwave popcorn.
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Mom: The next person who says something negative is going to their room.
Dad: Fuck Brett Favre. Bye.
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Son: Drink up. You'll need it when I come out of the closet.
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Dad: I need to shit like Brett Favre needs to retire.
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Dad: You can't possibly be this bad at math. You're 27. It's like I adopted you from the Make-A-Wish foundation or something, Christ.
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Dad: how do we tell our son he was adopted?
Grandpa: is there such thing as a "Happy adoption day"?
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Dad: i am going to be honest, it sounds like you are nailing her to the wall with your dick.
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Dad: I saw an alcoholic bum peeing on his cat. It was terrible.
Son: Replace 'alcoholic' with 'awesome.'
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Grandma: Black people are just fine. You just don't want to marry one.
Granddaughter: Oh, GOD. You and I share genes.
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Brother: My daughter threw up all over me on purpose!
Sister: Yes, the six year old learned revenge vomiting.
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Grandpa: It smells like shit in that bathroom. Did someone eat a stripper?
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Dad: How does someone manage to become as bad as you at driving? Acquired skill or head injury?
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Dad: Last time I went to Taco Bell, I gave birth to obesity.
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Dad: My fart smells like I just pooped in a blanket.
Son: What does that even mean?
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